I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
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