Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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