My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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