I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
