I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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