Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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