shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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