Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize