Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
