Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
