I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
