I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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