I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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