Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
