You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
