she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize
