phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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