Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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