70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
