It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
