I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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