He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
