Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
