I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
