Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
