My nipple is on Facebook.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
