you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
