I wish my penis had an off switch
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
