I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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