we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
