Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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