this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
