I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
