My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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