someone owes me an orgasm
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
