I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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