Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
40s are totally the cure
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
