Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
