She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
