You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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