its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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