we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
