your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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