I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
