I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
