Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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