it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
