my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
