Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
