took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
