Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you would pick up someone in the library
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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