Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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