I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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