Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize