My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
