I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
