new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just gift wrapped bread.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
